My interest in photography has been declining for a while -- indeed, my interest in everything has been declining, but photography in particular has become like a bad dead-end job (or, like my current job):  no matter how hard I try, all my efforts yield no positive results, and I will never advance.  Or so it feels.  Why?  Because over time, I have to fight harder and harder for people to just LOOK at the stuff.  "Pageviews don't matter!" is bullshit.  I want to improve and be recognised.  Neither are happening.  The frustrating thing is I feel like I am only getting WORSE.

I can't even tell what is good and what isn't...because I might think I've taken a spectacular photo but then it gets declined from group after group after group.  (there's one arrogant twat who automatically rejects my stuff while accepting whatever anybody else submits...including out of focus badly framed cellphone photos while nitpicking the smallest thing in mine unproductively...but that is the tip of the iceberg)

I haven't even paid the camera off yet, because I live well below the poverty line.  It wasn't the case when I bought the thin during a brief 4 months of working enough before things went back to shit a week after the purchase, but of course God or whoever is in charge hates me, and I will never ever advance or succeed anywhere in my life.  That much has become clear in the 4 years I've been struggling to find stable work.  The mountain of interest I am about to pay coupled with increasing frustrations mean I will be selling my camera next month.  I've had it.  NOTHING is worth it anymore.

And it isn't just photography -- I literally enjoy nothing anymore.  I have also had 14 umbrellas break in a little over a year since the weather turned windy out here (and it is always rainy to start with), with the last one coming apart when I dared leave the house for a walk/exercise.  NOT WORTH IT!!!!  I can't afford to do anything anyway.  Heck, if I get sick and miss ONE shift at work, I'll be homeless within a month.  My finances are THAT TIGHT.

And I am falling through the cracks.  I needed one welfare cheque in all this time... and the government took it back by force because I was considered to not actually need it, despite rarely earning more than $1000 in any given month.  Just today the food bank nearly turned me away when re-registering because ONE recent paycheque was for a few dollars over $500.  IT WAS HOLIDAY PAY!!!!!  I actually had to argue it!

I'm just so goddamn tired